I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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