i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
