Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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