my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
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