There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
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