Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
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