So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
