Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
