you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
