you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
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