It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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