someone threw a dead crab at me
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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