While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Randomize
