My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
