I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.