I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
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