I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??