I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.