Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
