My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
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