omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
