Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
she told me i tasted like america
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
