I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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