The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Randomize
