Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
