Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
