Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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