I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
