Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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