cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
