And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
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