Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
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