I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Randomize
