plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
