My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
What drink are we having for lunch?
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
