I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Randomize
