She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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