I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Randomize
