So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
