I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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