My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Randomize
