Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize
