Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
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part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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