Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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