Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
