She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Randomize
