thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
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