textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
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