I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
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Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
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This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?