Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
