I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver