Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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