i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
