Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
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