mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
