My first STD was from a foam party
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
I just blew my weed a kiss
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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