even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
it's like heaven, but drunker
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize
