yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
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