jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
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