someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Randomize
