This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
