we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
