Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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