Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
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