So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
are you so shy because you have an std?
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
