Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
