while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Randomize
